Autographs are free for children.
As I accidentally snapped off the neck of my second beer (did the first one also) in my bare hands, I pondered why I even use my hands. I probably should just move on to using my teeth (which does happen to be the most appreciated opening technique of neanderthal frat boys nationwide). Seriously, I’m not as strong as I used to be; the days of my sister calling me a “Gang of One” are long gone. So can someone tell me why are these bottle necks crumbling in my fingertips? Did I unassumingly buy the sixer of beer that was bottled in the movie prop pressed sugar bottles? Knowing full well that Wolaver’s (A Vermont brewery of many tasty suds) is not out to spite me personally, nor anyone who actually buys their beer, it appears that I must search for another answer.
So here’s the dilemma: I like to drink beer, but I now fear that every beer that I open tonight will shatter in my hands. That would be a horrible waste of beer as I’m past the point in life where I’ll drink a beer that has glass powder suspended in the head.
I think to solve this problem I must (at least partially) go back to my university studies in logic. The stuff can be really dense, but I bothered learning it then, so I might as well apply it to my practical life issues. If not my tuition dollars were all a waste.
Let us suppose that we have a three main premises:
A: The BeerSquatch likes beer.
B: When the BeerSquatch wants beer, he turns into a Hulking Beast.
C: When the BeerSquatch is a Hulking Beast, he then accidentally snaps the necks off of normally sturdy bottles.
Now when we consider that there is nothing in my textbook dealing with a Hulking Beast, so it seems that there isn’t much logic can do.
Where does that get me? Shit if I remember the details of formal logic, but it ends with this: Therefore, I need to sneak up on the beers, and not really like them so much. It’s similar to dating, right. I’m gonna play hard to get and my beer had better hop out of the fridge, rip it’s top off and press itself against my lips. I may be on to something here. I’ll get back to you on how well it works out.
